I haven't been around here much as of late, i have had other happenings that have needed tending to.
I found myself falling, deeper, faster, down a dark hole; the light to the outside world was fading. I should have been ecstatic, a new life was growing inside of me. Then, when i thought that i had hit rock bottom, the rocks fell out from beneath me only to allow me to spiral deeper. This baby girl that was nestled snug inside of me was sick and struggling. Her sickness stole her future and it stole our hopes for another child. She has returned now, to the earth, to the universe, to be at peace and to no longer feel any pain. Our pain will continue for a bit, the lost hope and dreams we had of us having a daughter and Jude having a little sister. Slowly, the light is becoming brighter and the hole is becoming a crevice from which i will drag my fatigued and battered body. I will emerge, i am certain, not quite myself, but a better version because i had Lily and now i am thankful that i have Jude.
"I believe that suffering is part of the narrative, and that nothing really good gets built when everything’s easy. I believe that loss and emptiness and confusion often give way to new fullness and wisdom." Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet (via thresca) (via A Well Traveled Woman)