Down the rabbit hole

I haven't been around here much as of late, i have had other happenings that have needed tending to.
I found myself falling, deeper, faster, down a dark hole; the light to the outside world was fading. I should have been ecstatic, a new life was growing inside of me. Then, when i thought that i had hit rock bottom, the rocks fell out from beneath me only to allow me to spiral deeper. This baby girl that was nestled snug inside of me was sick and struggling. Her sickness stole her future and it stole our hopes for another child. She has returned now, to the earth, to the universe, to be at peace and to no longer feel any pain. Our pain will continue for a bit, the lost hope and dreams we had of us having a daughter and Jude having a little sister. Slowly, the light is becoming brighter and the hole is becoming a crevice from which i will drag my fatigued and battered body. I will emerge, i am certain, not quite myself, but a better version because i had Lily and now i am thankful that i have Jude.

"I believe that suffering is part of the narrative, and that nothing really good gets built when everything’s easy. I believe that loss and emptiness and confusion often give way to new fullness and wisdom."  Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet (via thresca) (via A Well Traveled Woman)

Here's hoping......

A little family time

This last weekend Jude's Grandpa and Great Aunt were in town to celebrate a string of birthday's.
We played the piano, watched movies, ate pizza and went to check out some local art.
It's always so much fun to see Jude getting to know his relatives, even if they live many miles away. I hope that he will always maintain a great relationship with each one of them. My extended family is small and Jude is the only grandchild for my parents. If he feels as loved as i do from all my extended family, he'll turn out just fine. Sometimes having a small family is nice, but i guess i don't have much to compare it to. All i know, is we all just really enjoy each others company. 

I choose sleep

Most days of my life i'd rather catch some zzzz's than stay up typing away words with no specific meaning. I enjoy writing (obviously) but i don't have that obsessive compulsion that is built in to some people's DNA that keeps them going even when their eye lids close mid sentence. That's the problem with any career ambition i might seem to conjure up, i'd rather crawl under my comforter than deal with text book reading and lecture sitting or for that matter, paper writing. Maybe it's because i really don't know the direction my life is going at the present, although does anybody really? Or actually it's because i really do just like sleep. I mean who doesn't enjoy sleep? On days when it's a bit cold and the clouds form this gray oppressive layer that literally feels like its enveloping any motivation I might have started the day with, the bed calls. I walk past my short dark hallway and see the rumpled comforter peeking out the doorway, it's saying "come...you know you want to. I am so cozy and warm and soft. Who needs to be productive? Just come and take a little nap."
Now, since i have a two year old most of the time i can't give in. It's when he's sleeping that i have a hard time resisting. "Ok!" i say, "but just for a little bit, i should be doing other things."
Damn you bed, why do you have to be so tricky, but oh so inviting?
I get snuggled in and the warmth starts to blanket me while my cheek feels the softness of my flannel sheet beneath it. Soon enough i hear the click, click of the pug's toe nails as she trots down the hallway in line for the bed. Her compact little pug body nuzzles under the covers and soon she's sleeping in the crook of my legs. Her face squished but happy against my knee. She snorts and then sighs in to a dreamy sleep beside me. I drift off maybe for a handful of minutes, only to be awakened by the little boy in the next room alerting me that he is ready to get up. Nothing gets you out of bed quite like a child wanting to to paid attention to. "up, up.....uuuuuppppp!!!" Yes, alright...i hear you!!
I can't lounge quite like i used to, in college i was the master at "studying" in bed, the latter didn't last long but the naps were fabulous. Nothing lasts forever, and i need to remind myself religiously of  that when i'm not able to get the sleep that i need, that i crave, even if it's absent for just one night. Honestly, the "Nothing lasts forever" mantra should be the official slogan of parenthood. It reminds me that this moment will pass, whether it is meant to remind me to linger in the moment or when i'm frustrated and angry that this too will be just another memory that i will be laughing about a few years (or weeks) down the road. Things are experienced and then forgotten, tears are cried and wiped away and heads are bonked and always kissed better. Everything is fleeting and when we have children we just hope that the moments that pass, whether they be big or small, end up tucked away in a little crevice of our brain, easily accessible when we need something to keep us going. Whether I'm lacking sleep and my eyelids feel like they are closed before they even open or i'm frustrated and short tempered because my life is not going the way i had envisioned it. I'm conciously trying to remain in the present and enjoy the moments as they come. Even if its just the few minutes i get to lie in bed with my pug, or the moment I press the publish button on my blog, these just might be enough to give me the momentum i need without having to bide my time before i can have my first glass of wine and drink my anxieties away. The little moments, they matter more than any one of us ever anticipates.

Have a Spooky weekend!

This cutie is going to be a dinosaur this weekend (or a bumble bee or shark) depending on mood, of course.
Since turning two his M.O. seems to be all about exerting his independence...i thought i had learned to let go, a lot. Turns out i need to learn to let the little things go and figure out what is really worth fighting for. Unfortunately for him, pants are a non-negotiable, when we're going out in public anyway.
Who knew putting on a pair of jeans could be so drama filled.

Taste Away

 I like chocolate and so should you, especially chocolate that is carefully crafted and hand wrapped.  These guys know what to do with a good cocoa bean. Don't be afraid of the price, it's worth it. You should buy some...or else, well i'm not really sure, but it sounds serious! Just buy it...

In sync, out of sync?

Having just read about productivity via another blog, i thought i would put my two cents in on the subject that so many people are quite obsessed with. I'm sure i could write page after page bitching about how much time people spend texting and reading facebook instead of doing their work so i will keep it short, because you have to get back to being productive right? It seems everything these days is designed to increase our productivity. We have our phones with calendars that sync with our email that sync with our laptops that sync with, well, who knows what.  You would think with all this sync-ing that people would be sitting back having a drink, enjoying this free time and then becoming incredibly afraid that electronics have taken over their entire life. Is this the same as when tv dinners were the new amazing way that a housewife could escape cooking?  Most of us are pretty aware that these meals in a tray may be faster and easier, but they taste like the package they are cooked in and are pretty much as healthy as the cardboard box, at least the latter might have fiber. If this is a surprise to you, i invite you to read the ingredients of your "Salisbury steak in gravy", let me know if you recognize any of those ingredients.
All this stuff that is supposed to make us productive is  actually decreasing our productivity! One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone lists off all the things that they did in the day and then proceeds to tell me they didn't have time to take a lunch, and then complains about it. Come on..you schedule everything else, and if it actually comes down to you needing to schedule a lunch with yourself, i think you need to get a new job or a new life. Usually i find myself equating productivity with priorities. Think about what you really want to do in your day and make it a goal to do that. If you don't get around to doing something just say, yeah, i took a nap instead or went on the internet to research these awesome shoes i desperately wanted. Naps are good, it's ok to want to take a nap..you are not a bad person for taking one! And so are shoes, but naps have actually been shown to increase productivity. Seriously, save your money, don't buy the most technologically advanced toy and take a free siesta. So maybe it's not that i'm against increasing productivity, just don't make excuses and don't let these gadgets turn your life in to something you don't recognize. Live in the world, not behind your screens!

  Now, when my iphone can sync with my brain while it is sleeping and record my dreams and interpret their meaning so i don't have to pay money to a therapist, excellent, i'll contemplate buying that.

Like a kid

Yesterday morning we walked to the park with our pajamas on. It was early and I still had my coffee mug in hand, his hand in my other hand. It was spontaneous and fun. The best times are had when you had no prior intentions, expectations or apprehensions. They look at us as their role models...i think it's time we look to them.