1,2,3,4......can i have a little... wait, A LOT, more?!

Sometimes i feel like i expect too much out of life; that I am too demanding of my needs and wants. I suppose it's all perspective....

Then i feel it is MY life and how else can you be, really?!
Learning to really be yourself, truly yourself takes time. Honestly i don't think i'm there yet. I'd like to say that i have come in to my own, but i know i have a little ways to go. That being said i know what i like, and what i want. Sometimes it's easier to express that, sometimes i feel more comfortable with being me.
Even when you become a mother there are pressures coming at you from all angles to be this kind of mother or that kind of mother...how about i just be the kind of mother that i want to be. No preconceived notions, just the best that i can be. I think that is just the best that i can be in all situations essentially.
When i find myself craving more, it doesn't matter what, more free time, more alone time, more time with my friends, more time with my husband, just MORE, i start to compare my life with others. Is this what everyone else wants? Or is this just.....me.
I do think my expectations out of life are slightly elevated, i want what i want, i just can't help that and i definitely will not apologize for it. Than there is the guilt, but is the guilt necessary? No, probably not. Then why do so many people feel guilt?
Oh just be happy with what you have, is what people will tell you. That's all fine and everything but what if you want more? Should i be made to feel guilty if what i have is good but maybe not quite good enough? What is good enough anyway? Uhhh it's enough to drive the most person insane..and really there is no one that is sane enough. THat's right, we're all insane. To a certain extent.....
When you are truly living, yes, you are living in the moment but there is always a hunger, just a little but of a rumbling for more. If that is missing then what are you striving for? Life is filled with routine, fine....yes accept that, but there is so much else that your life can be.
I guess i just want to ask the question when is a little too little and a lot just too much?
The line is fine and where to draw it is anybody's guess....

Four fabulous months

Happy four months, Jude boy!
xoxo
Mommy

The un-necessary evil

I have read lots of birth stories since Jude was born and even before he was born i had read my fair share. Most of them scared me to death but having now been through it, i can no longer sit and read them as an innocent reader. Still curious, yes but scared, no. I know every birth is different and i respect every woman and the way in which she chooses to bring life in to this world, but i do not appreciate how many stories make hospitals out to be these evil, white walled sterile spaces that do not wish to abide by your wishes. I, for one, had a great hospital experience. I really had no idea what to expect. I am really pleased (looking back) that i went in to labor so early, that i didn't sit around anticipating when the dreaded contractions would occur.
There are certain things called protocols that hospitals have to follow in order to ensure that everyone is getting the necessary treatment. The machines that they use, the medicines that they dose and the "white coats" that they wear are all standard and designed with a purpose in mind. From the moment i walked in to the labor and delivery area ready to be checked in, i had nothing but the best care. Professional, yet personable, knowledgeable yet down to earth, all the staff was on top of everything. Not once did i have a doubt in my mind about how i was being cared for. This little baby boy that was coming in to this world 4 weeks ahead of time was going to be in the best hands possible. Of course there is worry and anticipation but most of my worry was alleviated because of the care that i received. I just wish that more people would embrace the fine and intricate dance that is the hospital birth process. It's not all bad, especially because you end up with a very well cared for mother and baby.

Crisis!

Help! I am having a hair crisis people! Ever since cutting my hair and not really getting a cut i love, i have felt very unsatisfied. I see photo's of all these celebrity hair styles and want to try them all!
Some days i want to cut my hair all off and have it crazy short but then other days i want my long flowing locks back. This photograph has been my inspiration as of late. I have turned in to a hair schizophrenic! Actually i have been very indecisive about quite a few things lately...i'll blame the weather. I'm being couped up indoors, being left alone with just my thoughts and a small child can sometimes be a very dangerous combination. Or is it being left alone with a bottle of tequila, some salt and limes that is the dangerous combo? Well if you go to the store and there is a shortage of limes, you'll know it's the latter.

The everyday

This is my everyday...i enjoy it most of the time. I don't report to anyone but myself. In a way, Jude is my boss...my day is dictated according to his mood and his needs. I guess that is not un-like any (adult) boss! Mine doesn't wear a suit though and hopefully your boss doesn't get their meals from your boobs. Might want to take that up with HR if that's the case....

Involuntarily volunteering

When you find out you're going to have a baby, the first thing you do is take another pregnancy test because clearly that one was no good. After you spend another twenty dollars to find out the same thing you already knew, you begin to envision your life with a baby. You think about all the walks you will take together, the fun shopping excursions, visits to the zoo and visits with the grandparents. What you don't think about is how you will spend the other vast majority of your days. All those other things, they take up, like two hours of your time, the other 5 bazillion hours are free to do, haha well not free exactly, but they are hours that need to be filled. Let me tell you exactly what they are filled with, especially if it's 10 degrees and snowing out. First, feedings...the child needs to eat right?? Then there is the diaper changing, the changing from the pajamas in to a new outfit, then changing that outfit after it has either been soaked by the mass quantities of drool or mass quantities of other not so nice substances from the other end. When the child is finally presentable the entertainment can now begin. Oh yes and you must have many tricks up your sleeve because right now the most entertaining thing to them is....their own fists. Hmmmmm...feeling bored, stick your fist in your mouth...problem solved. Unless you have forgotten that you have hands...oh wait there they are, haha surprise there they are AGAIN the most interesting thing in the whole world. Don't forget the loud sucking noises that must accompany the discovery of the fist in the mouth entertainment. Oh wait, bored of this, what's next? How about a bright colored object to dangle in front of them. A couple of smiles and then, oh wait, nope let's walk around the house for a bit instead. You're feeling tired?? No, impossible, this child is definitely not ready for a nap. Are you ready to find out what happens next????! Well just put the above on repeat and there you have your life for at least the first 6 months, possibly longer or at least until summer arrives.
I used to think i had a problem doing monotonous work but i do essentially the same thing everyday (still better than sitting in a cubicle). Sometimes i read "The big red Barn" instead of "Baa baa, la la la"..... i know, it's wild. This is the day to day life of living with someone who is completely dependent on you. You do their laundry, you change their clothes and give them a bath. You are in charge of their entertainment and are responsible for their food and your food. Just when you think that the responsibilities will never end, they seem to just start all over again. I think that if people really could anticipate and prepare for this, they wouldn't want to do it. It's challenging and grueling, predictable yet unpredictable, exhaustive and humbling. Some days i just want quiet and to pull the covers back over my head. I knew what i was giving up the moment i saw that double pink line appear on that over-priced piece of plastic. I could imagine what the life that lay ahead of me was going to be like, but what i couldn't ever imagine, EVER, EVER, was the feeling that i would get every time his big blue eyes would look in to mine,that i was who he was recognizing as his mother. I am now one of those people shedding tears at random tv shows and commercials with children, i was always immune from this stuff! It really is amazing that people voluntarily sign up for this lifestyle..seriously now, are you people all on crack??!! Yes, yes..it does seem to appear that way...carry on then.

A snowy start

I am sick of winter. There. I said it. Even so, it was still somewhat lovely when i went out for a quick jaunt in the snow with the pug. Emma loves the snow and her face always ends up looking like she just ate a large box of powder sugar donuts. Hmmm come to think of it, i wish i had a big box of sugar covered donuts RIGHT THIS SECOND. I spent the last few days with some strange stomach issue.... i think i may have lost a few pounds. No time like the present then to gain them right back!